Excel-lent Football Facts 2
I know not all of you are as excited about the World Cup as I am, but even in the US, where the Beautiful Game is relegated to ESPN 27 and most people couldn’t name a member of the US Men’s team, the World Cup has a habit of taking hold of people.
Given the excitement that may soon appear, it will be helpful to know how to talk about it when you’re at the dentist or talking to your co-workers from abroad or flirting with someone from the EU in the hopes of securing a green-card marriage should things go south following the midterm elections.
So, for the second entry in the Excel-lent Football Facts¹ series, I thought I’d put together a quick guide to the hot topics and key phrases for the 2022 World Cup.
Specific countries
England
If speaking to a Brit: “Football’s coming home!” (if you say this to a Brit, you likely won’t have to say anything else for the rest of the interaction)
If speaking to a non-Brit: “FoOtBaLL’s CoMiNg hOmE!” (Best to follow this up with a joke about red coats or the Queen)
Italy
It’s best not to bring up the World Cup or North Macedonia if you encounter an Italian fan. Better to talk about fascism or Mussolini or just mispronounce “minestrone.”
Qatar
Qatar wouldn’t be in the World Cup if not for bribing their way into hosting it, and the list of controversies and allegations about the hosts is so complex that Wiki editors opted to make a separate page for them, instead of including it all in the main World Cup 2022 page. They are not making it out of the group stage without bribing the officials.
US
Player names to know: Christian Pulisic, Weston McKennie, Tyler Adams and Yunus Musah
US Men’s team has never won a World Cup, and their best finish was 3rd place…in 1930. It will be a success if we make it out of the group stages.
Wales
“Wait, the UK gets two teams?” Actually, they have 4 teams: England, Scotland, Northern Ireland, and Wales. Only 2 qualified for the World Cup. This, of course, doesn’t include the numerous other teams that hail from other members of the Commonwealth. By my count, there are 18 FIFA member teams that would get to meet “their” king, HRH Charles III, if they won the World Cup. Of those 18 teams, only one, England proper, has won the World Cup. Once. In 1966.
Most other countries
Just ask the other people in the conversation if they think the country has a real chance this year. Then let them do the talking. If they leave an opening for you, just say “as long as it doesn’t come down to penalty kicks” and make a knowing look of pain and suffering. Every football fan has been burned by penalty kicks at least once.
Situations
Thanksgiving
England plays the US on Black Friday. There are definitely some good jokes to be mined there, about pilgrims, or something, I don’t know.
LGBT+ Rights
So far, no openly gay players will be attending the World Cup this year, which is probably good, because it would be difficult to compete if you are executed by the Qatari government.
If you are in anyway a member of the LGBT+ population, love football, and have the money to travel, might I suggest simply waiting ’til next year to attend the significantly gayer and less deadly Women’s World Cup being hosted in Oceania?
Women
Stephanie Frappart from France, Rwandan Salima Mukansanga and Yoshimi Yamashita from Japan will be the first female referees to be appointed to a men’s World Cup.
The US Men’s team earned $2.5 million as a team for qualifying, for 2019 WWC, the US women’s team earned only $750,000 for the same thing.
During World Cup qualifiers, the men can earn up to $18,125 per player in the final round for each win, but the women get only $3,000 per player for each win.
The US Men’s team has won 0 (zero) times since the World Cup began in 1930. The US Women’s team has won 4 times since the Women’s World Cup began in 1991.
The Stars at the World Cup
“I’m looking forward to watching [insert name from below] this year.”
Argentina: Lionel Messi
Belgium: Kevin De Bruyne
Brazil: Neymar, Vinicius Jr.
Canada: Alphonso Davies
Croatia: Luka Modric
England: Harry Kane
France: Karim Benzema, Kylian Mbappé
Japan: Takefusa Kubo
Netherlands: Virgil van Dijk
Poland: Robert Lewandowski
Portugal: Cristiano Ronaldo
Senegal: Sadio Mané
Spain: Pedri, Gavi ²
South Korea: Son Heung-min
USA: Christian Pulisic
Wales: Gareth Bale
The Stars not at the World Cup
“It’s a shame we won’t get to see \[insert name from below\] this year.”
Colombia: Luis Diaz
Côte d’Ivoire: Franck Kessie, Wilfried Zaha
Egypt: Mohamed Salah
Italy: Lorenzo Insigne ³
Norway: Erling Haaland, Martin Odegaard
Sweden: Zlatan Ibrahimovich
Flirting with someone from the EU in the hopes of securing a green-card marriage
Hey babe, want to come over to my place and use my friend’s cousin’s fuboTV login to watch today’s match? What are your thoughts on fighting fascism? What about green-card marriages?
At the dentist
“arrrll hhaaar laahh” + noncommittal shrug
1: I recognize these aren’t facts. But it’s my newsletter, I can do what I want
2: Personal opinion of the writer. Gavi is 18, and I’m hitching my wagon to his star or whatever the saying is, because I want this boy to bring us our second star
3: Personal opinion of the writer. Insigne is 5'4" and we stan short kings in this house.
Originally published November 8, 2022 on Buttondown
