Heidi Klum Pitching Her Incredible, Preternatural, Ascendent Worm Costume to the Design Team

ICYMI: For her annual Halloween party this year, Heidi Klum became a worm. And I can’t stop thinking about it. I even ended up writing this vignette of Ms. Klum pitching her costume, but weirdly, no respectable publication seemed interested in it. Enjoy or I’m sorry.

Over the years, you have met my every request. But this year, I come to you with my most challenging and, arguably, important costume ever. Designers: I want to be a worm.

I worry you hear me and think I mean this metaphorically. That I want a pretty dress with striations suggesting a worm or that I want to be a sexy space worm. No. That is incorrect.

I want to BE a WORM.

Make me a worm.

I do not need to prove my beauty. It is immortalized on the covers of countless magazines and fashion shoots. I am known the world over as a Victoria Secret Angel. I sparked a generation of boys to develop macrophilia when I played a giantess in Ella Enchanted. After nearly 5 decades of life and four children, I still take better thirst traps than the average 25 year old. My beauty is unquestionable. My sex appeal is unimpeachable. I have no need for further affirmation of this fact.

And so, I implore you: make me an earthworm. Make me into the largest of megadrile. I want to join the world of the terrestrial invertebrates. I want to be enshrined in the phylum Annelida. I am no longer part of the celebrity class, or the beautiful class. I want to join the oligochaeta class.

Did you know that the earthworm respires through its skin? I want to breathe the air in through my earthworm skin. I want to feel the world below, above, and around my body as I burrow through the mud. I want to move through space with the contractions of the muscles in my many-segmented-body. I want to leave behind me a soil that is richer, more fertile with my feces.

I know that this must be confusing to you. You still value aesthetic “beauty.” You still seek out flattering lighting before you take 37 selfies in order to post one. You still deliberate over the perfect outfit before your dates. You worry over blemishes and wrinkles. I understand. I, too, have been plagued by these concerns of the human condition. But no longer.

You see, I already am a worm, spiritually. For the rest of my days, I will live as a worm, whether or not you succeed in the task I place before you. I will take what is no longer fertile, digest it, and excrete something that is rich in nitrogen, phosphates, and potassium. That, of course, I do mean metaphorically. I will continue my healthy, organic diet with snacks like “1 organic pear with 8 raw cashew nuts.” I just mean, I intend to take what is useless or toxic and transform it into something fertile, figuratively.

To the unawakened, the worm may seem a regression, not an evolution. I have built something great in my life. My accomplishments, my fame, my power, my family. Why not a queen, or a superhero?

You must understand: I have ascended to a realm beyond. Beyond beauty, beyond humanity, beyond vertebrae. Already, for me, there is only worm. The dirt. The air. The sun. The water. The four original elements all pass through the worm. The rhizōmata of existence. The beginning and the end of all things. The worm.

The oligochaeta are hermaphrodites. They can copulate with another worm, exchanging sperm. But if they lack a mate, they can still create a new generation. They can perform parthenogenesis, cloning themselves. Or they can split themselves in two through paratomy and become two separate worms. In one worm there lives a family, a legacy, a dynasty. In the realm of the worm, one is many and many is one. There is no need for beauty in this realm of true unity. Only worm.

Already, in my soul, unending generations of worms exist, waiting to manifest in our world. I feel them; writhing beings, ready to crawl forth. I will be a conduit for them. No, WE will be a conduit. Together, what we accomplish, what we create, it will bring forth the ascendance of all of humanity. We will all become worm.

You have done so much for me over the years. You have made me old. You have skinned me. You have made me an ape, that cyborg zombie thing with boob guns, a goddess, one of six clone me’s. But now, I present to you, the truest challenge. Help me ascend. Help us ascend. Complete the evolution:

Make me worm.