Theoretiquette — A Prim and Proper Primal Scream

This is a special edition of Theoretiquette addressing an etiquette question out of Portland, OR. If you aren’t aware, federal cops have been abducting protesters off the streets of Portland in unmarked vehicles.

Dear Theoretiquette,

When is it appropriate for me to primal scream? When will it disturb the neighbors the least? How do I signal that my body is safe while I primal scream, and no one need take any action?

I am currently in Portland, OR, in case it affects the etiquette.

Thanks in advance,

Primal Panic in Portland

My dear Pepe,

First of all, I want to commend you on considering the etiquette in this situation. You, my dear Pepe, seem to be an accommodating and magnanimous individual. It takes a conscientious individual to consider one’s neighbors as one decides how best to express one’s bottomless and righteous rage at having found oneself living not in the idyllic land where couples register at REI for their wedding, housing is somehow being gentrified by the Bay Area, the coffee is always fresh, and the beards robust, but instead living in a fascist wet dream reminiscent of Santiago in 1973.

Here’s what you need to know to release your primal scream in polite society:

Warm Up

Simple vocal warm-ups are essential for productive primal screaming. If you ever sang in school, you likely know some vocal warm-ups. If not, you can find plenty of examples on YouTube. At the least, you want to engage your range with a hum or an “ng” sound. I would also recommend a cool down exercise after any primal screaming, to restore your vocal folds following the bursts of sonorous fury.

Physical preparation

As you prepare to scream, you want to make sure your body is set to support you. You want an active base, so bend your knees and hips a little. Think about Kenny Lofton getting ready to steal a base, you want that same kind of energetic platform for your scream.
Next, engage your back and arm muscles, pulling your arms into your torso and your shoulder blades down, tensing your whole core, as if preparing to jump a fascist.
Lastly, stabilize your neck. You can lace your fingers together and place your palms on the base of your skull, akin to the Surrender Cobra, holding your neck steady. Alternately, place a fist against your forehead and press your head against your fist when you yell. This posture has the added effect of making you look like you are either an off-brand Rodin or maybe powering up your Super Punch Power.

Execution

You’re ready for the real deal now! Take a deep breath to prepare and blow out some of the air before you start screaming. Open your throat by performing a silent laugh and a silent sob, depending on the flavor of your particular despair, and then scream! Force the air out of your throat and let your rage echo through the northern Willamette Valley.
For a little extra umph, engage your soft palate with the same motion with which you would make an “ick” sound if a cop showed up on your Tinder; this will give your scream that “bloodcurdling” quality.

Repeat this process as much as necessary. Breath in deeply, open your mouth wide, and push the air, roiling with anger, through your vocal folds. Do this again and again, as many times as you can or need.

As an important note, either your neighbors will understand, and possibly join you in, your raging exhortation, or they will be disturbed within their pleasant ignorance, as they well should be. In fact, if you can identify any neighbors who might presently be dwelling in said pleasant ignorance, you might consider screaming directly outside their bedroom window at 3am, with an air horn as accompaniment. In the sage words of Tanisha Thomas, “I didn’t get no f**king sleep ’cause of y’all! Y’all not gon’ get no sleep ’cause of me!”

As far as making it clear that your body is ostensibly safe (though that feels a little up for debate right now?) and no one need take any immediate action, maybe wear a sandwich-board-type sign? Something that says “Don’t call 9–1–1, I’m just coping with our police state”?

Yours,

Theoretiquette