Theoretiquette — A Guide to Bronorifics

Dear Theoretiquette,

I recently started transitioning from female to male-ish and I’ve been confused by which variations of “brother” I should use when I’m trying to blend in with “the boys.” It’s so confusing. There’s “bro” obviously. And “bruh” I kind of get. Then there’s “brah” and “breh.” And then there’s the unadulterated “brother.” I don’t want to accidentally out myself by using the wrong version. Help?

Yours,

Baffled Brother

Dear Baffled Brah,

This is a very good question. I, too, have known this confusion. I’ll do my best to break it down.

Bruh: This is the most acceptable and versatile version of the bronorific. Both in text and speech, it is the easiest to access. The U and H keys are near the center of the QWERTY keyboard and the “uh” sound is simple. It is the sound we make when the cashier asks “what can I get for you?” even though we’ve been rehearsing our order since we got into line five minutes earlier. It is the sound we make every time someone asks “what’s up” since the quarantining started. It is natural. Use bruh in most contexts not otherwise referenced below.

Brother: This bronorific is exclusively for old heads and the religiously-touched. First of all, its way too many letters and syllables. That “r” and the end is like an extra year of middle school. Unless you are about to share with me the gospel of whoever your lord and savior is, or you’re old enough to remember the last time the Cleveland Browns won an NFL championship, you shouldn’t use this one. Or if you have, like, an actual literal brother. I wouldn’t know about that. I only had sisters. I got very good at playing baseball by myself.

Bro: This is frankly aggressive. Even making the “o” at the end requires an extra effort and concentration. It is most appropriate to use “bro” when you are challenging your peer to a duel, in person or online. It is also appropriate to use with a frenemy. Bro should not be used as a true term of endearment, because there is nothing endearing about the extra effort of enunciating the “o” or even reaching your finger all the way to the upper corner to hit the “o” key. That’s aggressive.

Breh: This is most appropriate to use when you are so high that the effort of moving your mouth any further after uttering the “br” is insurmountable and really all you can do is force out a little more air to make the “eh” sound. It is very rarely appropriate to use in text, unless you are trying to communicate the circumstance of being so high that the effort of moving your mouth any further after uttering the “br” is insurmountable.

Brah: Don’t use this unless you are Andy “Brink” Brinker, Val, any other member of the X-Bladz team, or otherwise a character in the classic 1998 Disney Channel Original Movie Brink! It is also acceptable if you are Johnny Kapahaala or another character from the other classic 1998 Disney Channel Original Movie, Johnny Tsunami. Outside of these two scenarios, “brah” is inappropriate.

I hope this helps. When you’re ready to move on to more complicated bronorifics, reach out, and we can discuss “bud,” “pal,” and “boss.” These are more complicated and nuanced, and I do not recommend beginners attempt to use them until they have mastered the basics of bruh/ah/eh/o, and the subsequent levels of “dude,” and “man.”

Yours,

Theoretiquette