Theoretiquette — How To Seem Generous

Dear Theoretiquette,

I’ve been wanting to be more generous, or at least seem more generous, when hosting my friends. When I visit other people’s homes, I often hear them say things like “make yourself at home” or “help yourself to anything in the fridge.” I can’t believe they actually mean that. But I tried doing that last time I had a friend visit, and they took one of the high-gravity craft beers I’d tucked in the back upper corner so my roommate couldn’t see it. So I guess this is a two part question:

1. When people say “help yourself to anything in the fridge” do they actually mean it?

2. How can I say something like “help yourself to anything in the fridge” so I sound generous, but also protect the special beers that I’m saving for a special occasion and stuff?

Thanks,

Grudgingly Generous in Gary

Dear Gigi,

These are certainly good questions.

To answer the first one: no, they don’t mean it. This is a test. It is a multifaceted test at that, and frankly, a little cruel. You may have heard of the 1972 Stanford marshmallow experiment, in which children were left alone with a marshmallow and told that they could eat it immediately, or wait and get a second one. The phrase “help yourself to anything in the fridge” is a similar test. When your friends say such a thing, they are testing you to determine if you are selfish, greedy, or covetous.

The only correct choice is to take the cheapest, blandest option. Likely it will be water, unless they have some fancy-ass alkaline charcoal coconut water or whatever, definitely don’t take that. The best way to pass this test is to ask where the cups are and get a glass of tap water. Likely, even your hosts don’t drink their water straight from the tap. This way, you have asserted your dominance. You have passed the test. Congratulations.

As far as your second question, this really depends. Do you actually want to be or at least appear more generous? Or do you want to test your guests like you have been tested? Because frankly, the take away from your anecdote about your friend taking the good beer is not that you were too generous, it’s that your friend failed the test.

Personally, I keep my special-occasion seltzer in a drawer to keep it hidden just in case, but also I avoid this situation altogether by offering my friends a short list of acceptable things from my fridge that they can actually have, as opposed to granting them license to poke around.

For example, say I actually have two bottles of Topo Chico hidden in my fridge, along with several varieties of store-brand seltzer. I’m not going to tell my guest about the Topo Chico. I’m simply going to say “Do you want a seltzer? I have ‘once passed a grapefruit on the sidewalk’ and ‘went to the same school as lemon as a different time.’” I hand them their seltzer that tastes like it once met a citrus fruit in passing, look generous, without truly sacrificing much. As a result, my Topo Chico’s safely guarded to enjoy after the friend leaves, while I watch The Emperor’s New Groove for the 63rd time.

I hope this helps in your quest to look better than your friends, a truly noble goal.

Yours,

Theoretiquette