Theoretiquette — Select-A-Lie

Dear Theoretiquette,

I’m having an argument with my roommate over paper towels. I prefer to purchase them from this online store that offers tree-free, sustainable paper towels. My roommate maintains that they’re wasteful because they’re full size; she would prefer to use the Bounty Select-A-Size rolls because you only use what you need. But I think that, since Bounty sources their paper towels from 100% virgin fibers, per their own website, it’s more wasteful and harmful to use.

Can you help us settle this?

Thanks,

The Lorax of Lafayette

Dear LoLa,

Frankly, I can’t. I’m seeing red reading your question. It’s time for me to stop hiding parts of myself. I need to stop moderating my opinions for the comfort of others. I need to live my truth and nothing less. And for this reason, I can no longer stay silent about something. I’ve held my tongue for decades but that era ends now.

There is no selection involved in Bounty Select-A-Size paper towels. They have been lying to us. For years, they have perpetrated a fraud on the people of the nation, on the people of the world. They have sold you choice where there is no choice. They have sold you freedom while holding you in bondage. It is time we stop accepting this lie in silence.

In my youth, when the Select-A-Size roll was new and I had not yet opened my eyes to the deceit from the monolith of P&G, I was confused by the idea. I heard the name and saw the commercials and assumed that the Select-A-Size roll would allow one to select a size of paper towel. Call me naive, but I think it not such an absurd assumption. I was unaware then that en-dashes and trademarks removed from the words their meaning.

I believed it must be a roll with two or more sizes available on the roll or at least in a pack. Maybe on a given roll, there would be an alternation between sizes. Full size, half size, full size, half size, etc. Maybe even full size, half size, and two vertically stacked quarter size sheets. It seemed to me a very odd choice to make. It was marketed as being more economic and eco-friendly, but it seemed to me that, unless the size one wanted corresponded with the size at the end of the roll, one would have to pull off the first sheet or more to reach the size you wanted. Now, one might believe they will save the towels they pull off, but inevitably, one will reach for the towels with jelly-coated fingers and soil the towel that one had not wanted. Or maybe in a bustle of tidying, one might find that spare towel and think it trash. How could these possibly more economically or environmentally sound? They seemed simply wasteful.

Then, I encountered a Select-A-Size roll in the wild and I realized that the marketing had simply been a boldfaced lie. There were not different sizes to select, there was only one size. It was, in fact, the same as any other roll of paper towels except that the perforations were closer together. It was a naked defrauding of the public. There was no choice. There was no variety. There was only deception.

Do you doubt me? I have nothing to gain in speaking the truth to this mammoth power of Procter & Gamble. Allow me to open your eyes to the lies you have believed for far too long.

To select, according to Oxford Dictionary, means to carefully choose as being the best or most suitable. From this, we can extrapolate a few things. In choosing the best, there is the implication of variety, of choice. The phrase “Select-A-Size” implies that there should be at least two different sizes. There is no variety in a roll of Select-A-Size paper towels. All the towels in a given roll are eleven inches long and five and a half inches wide. There are no towels in a Select-A-Size roll that measure eleven inches long and wide, like we can find in Bounty’s full size sheets. Further, here is no option to choose the most suitable size. If you want to clean up two ounces of whiskey or a twenty-four quart pot of spaghetti sauce, the paper towels are still fifty-five square inches, no single sheet is more suitable than any other sheet. You have no more choice, no more power of selection, when pulling from a Select-A-Size roll than you have with a full size roll.

Beyond that, the definition of “select” indicates that the choice — though I’ve already established choice does not exist in this circumstance — is made carefully, however Bounty has clearly marketed its products to be the “quicker-picker-upper.” Even as far back as its 1960s marketing, the stress has always been on the speed of the product. There is no deliberation involved in speed, there is no careful consideration when one is meant to “choose” fast. There is swift, instinctive action only. This is, of course, a moot point since there is no choice available here.

In fact, the only true choice in size offered by the Select-A-Size roll is at the store, when one might choose whether to select the full size eleven by eleven inch sheet rolls or the half size eleven by five and a half inch sheet rolls. Once you have selected a Select-A-Size roll and placed it in your cart, there is no more size selection available.

I can no longer stand idly by and ignore the lies of greedy corporate America. I will not tolerate the fabulation. I will not follow the masses who accept the smoke screen, the illusion of choice. I shall call these items what they truly are:

Bounty Half-Size Rolls.

As for your question, I think your tree-free, sustainable paper towels sound better, but also my degrees are in theatre and creative writing so I don’t really know.

Yours,

Theoretiquette