Theoretiquette — Unsettling Stallions

Dear Theoretiquette,

I’ve been troubled by something since I was in elementary school, and maybe you can provide some clarity. See, elementary school was when the girls started to break down into two distinct categories: horse girls and everyone else. I fell into the latter group, for I found horses to be deeply upsetting, even though I could not and cannot articulate why. Several of my friends who had, until then, seemed perfectly normal started trotting around the playground during recess like miniature adolescent centaurs, embodying both horse and rider. I would watch with utter confusion, trying to understand for I am normally an empathetic person, as my erstwhile friends cantered and neighed and snorted in imitation of the terrifying equines.

My confusion never ceased, though eventually the horse girls quit their playground pony rides and found their way to the real things, and I found my way to other friends and hobbies. So, my question is, what exactly is it that makes horses so upsetting? This may not seem like a request for advice, but it is — if I can’t name the problem of why horses are fucked up, how can I possibly heal the rest of my psyche?

Yours,

Flummoxed by Fillies

My dearest Fluffy,

I am so sorry that you’ve had to suffer in this conundrum for so many years. I can relate to your bewilderment, as I too lost friends to the purportedly-enchanting stallions. While I can’t explain your former friends’ fixation, I can offer you some clarity on the why of your own distress.

There are several reasons why horses are upsetting and I think it’s time for those of us who recognize it to come forward with our case against the colts. The reasons are quite simple, and I will lay them here, in the hopes that you and others like you might find closure and healing.

1. The Eyes
   First of all, a horse’s field of vision is 350 degrees. Three hundred and fifty. Out of 360. That means that a horse can see all around it except for approximately 3% of what’s directly behind it. How can you trust something mortal that is effectively all seeing? Beyond that, horse eyes are enormous. They have one of the largest eyes of the mammalian species. The eye of a horse is about eight times larger than a human eye. They are approximately the size of the apples they love to chomp with those terrifying teeth. Speaking of which…
2. The Teeth
   Horses get forty-plus teeth that are 5 inches long, most of which are inside their gums, like bone icebergs. And those things are thick. They don’t slice, they crush. CRUSH. Nope.
3. “Hands”
   Horses, which do not have hands, are measured in hands. This is weird and unsettling, I can’t tell you why, but I can tell you it’s another reason not to trust a horse.
4. Sleep
   Horses need less than three hours of sleep every day. That means that no matter what you do, eventually you will have to sleep, and they will not, and those all-seeing, handless quadrupeds can sneak into your room and crush you with their iceberg-bones.
5. Horsepower
   Do you know how fast a horse can run? 55 miles per hour. On less than three hours of sleep. Horses are so fast and strong that that became the measure we use to discuss engine power. You want to know what the calculation is for one unit of horsepower? 550 foot-pounds per second. That means the equines engines can theoretically lift 550 pounds by one foot up in one second. Your crossfit buddy could never.
6. They can kill you
   I feel like this is really just summarizing what I’ve already said, but they can kill you and not even notice. Horses are animals that can lift 550 pounds in a second without hands, run faster than a human could ever drive on a Bay Area highway, crush your fibula with their iceberg bones, keeping an eye on 98% of their surroundings, all while you are still sleeping because they sleep less in a day than I nap. Tireless murder machines, that’s what they are.
   Our young Fluffy recognized this, while their old friends did not. This is not a failing on your part. This hints at your attentiveness and desire to not die at the hands of the handless.

Hopefully this can offer you the kind of closure you need to move on and address the other wounds on your psyche.

Yours,

Theoretiquette