What To Do When Called In As An Ally

Hey Allies! Let’s have a quick chat.

We all make mistakes. Things happen. It’s only a problem when we let them fester, when we fail to learn, grow, and amend our behavior.

I want to talk about how I have been taught to handle when someone calls me in for bad behavior.

1. Breathe

Pause. When I’ve been called in for making mistakes or behaving poorly, my kneejerk reaction has always been to turn defensive, to deny what I’ve just heard, to make excuses, to point out reasons why it’s not true. What I try to do instead is pause, take a breath, and become willing to hear what my friend has to say.
Being called in is not a judgement on my character. It is doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. If someone has made an effort to call me in, they are saying, “I care about you and our relationship so I’m making an effort here to confront you about how you have hurt me.”

2. Understand

When I’m called in, I listen to my friend. I ask questions if I’m confused. I do some googling. I reflect on what I have heard and read. If appropriate, I’ll talk it out with another friend, to be accountable and make sure I have a clear understanding of the situation and my mistake.

3. Amend

Next, I need to determine how I can make it right. This isn’t just saying I’m sorry, this is amending, that is to say changing, my behavior. Figuring out how to fix things will require some combination of asking the person who has called me in and/or doing the research myself.

Many people from marginalized communities, especially black people, are overtaxed with everything happening right now. I don’t want to add to the problem. That said, if I have harmed an individual, it’s a good idea to ask them specifically how I can make it right, because they may have certain preferences. But regardless, it’s a good idea to do some personal work. To learn about what I did and why it was wrong.

4. Thank

Calling someone in, especially as a person from a marginalized community, isn’t comfortable, it isn’t easy. It is an act of caring, an act of trust, and an act of emotional labor. I thank my friend for making that effort and trusting me to hear them, and then demonstrate that gratitude by putting into action what I have learned.